[ the thrashing comes as a surprise, but for all he knows Nagisa could be dreaming about anything. Haru opens the door wider, drawing from it a slow creaking sound as he steps into the room. as he closes the door behind him, he watches the scene with passivity at first. he's not quite sure what's happening, but his first instinct is to help Nagisa out in a way that won't disturb him or wake him. kneeling beside his bed, Haru begins working on picking up the stuffed animals that have been throttled and exiled from Nagisa's bed, keeping his eyes on his friend the entire time. ]
[ aside from a few more violent twitches, he doesn't do anything. the stuffed animals returning to his bed seem to calm him, maybe, because he goes still and stiff as a board.
and then shoots up in bed with a sharp gasp, sweaty and wild-eyed. his hands go up to his mouth but he's not even screaming, which is good, better safe than sorry, and he turns to look at Haru's empty bed, slumping with relief. only he'd be less relieved if he'd think to look down at the floor, where Haru actually is. ]
[ in the dark, his eyes widen a fraction as he tries to parse what exactly is happening. it's enough to startle him, because-- well, this is Nagisa. it's not as if he wouldn't worry about any other Iwatobi member having an obvious nightmare, but there was something about Nagisa experiencing one that was particularly disconcerting. Haru's shoulders tense as his friend's form darts up in the dark, his chest gripped with a sudden anxiety as he shrinks in form, ducking slightly and peeking from right over the side of the bed to watch him.
he ... should do something. he should do something, right? this isn't the type of thing you just sit and watch, even if Nagisa seems to have woken up already ...
obviously the best thing to do is to reach out and touch what seems to be his leg. ]
[ he's just about to curl up and rock himself back to sleep when something fucking grabs him. that never really happens in his dreams, he always wakes up before something bad can happen, but maybe there's a first time for everything.
he lets out a blood curdling scream and scrambles across the bed, sending stuffed animals flying everywhere. ]
No!! Go away!
[ he's always thought of himself as pretty brave, but not quite so much when he's literally huddling in a corner and crying because there's a monster under his bed. it's a fall from grace. ]
Nagisa. [ though there's a hint of urgency to it, Haru's voice still comes out as smoothly as usual, which might be a good thing in this situation. he straightens, hands now bracing on the mattress of the bed as he brings himself to stand.
he totally winced at that scream. that was ... deafening. ]
[ peeking out from between his fingers, he's never felt like such a little kid before. he's expecting to see something bad, but he gets Haru instead, and he's so relieved (must've heard the commotion and come in from wherever he was, clearly), crawling across the floor to the bed and pulling himself up again. ]
Haru-chan! [ quickly scrubbing at his eyes, what a disaster. ] If you heard anything weird, it was nothing! I just got surprised by a bug crawling on me!
[ he knows when to leave something alone -- after all, he often doesn't want to talk about things. but. ]
You were having a bad dream. [ there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. it's not like he's going to ask Nagisa for the details, unless he wants to tell him. he positions himself to sit at the edge of the bed, hand drawn out to grab at one of the stuffed animals in an idle, mindless move. ]
[ he has an excuse all fired up and ready to go, locked and loaded, but it dies on his tongue in the most obvious kind of way. he's been caught at it before, and what's more, it's not really something he can lie about like he does other things. it's not like "i slept enough" or "i didn't eat the second hot dog" or "i'm not worn out" or those other little white lies he tells all the time. especially not to Haru, who he knows can sense when something's wrong with the team more than anybody. maybe even more than he can, himself, in a way.
resigned, he slumps onto the bed, eliciting a faint squeak from one of his many penguins. ]
Sorry, it... [ what was it he said last time. ] ...happens. Did I keep you up?
[ just because Haru wasn't the type to pry, it didn't mean he lacked concern. the wording tells him it's not a singular incident (everyone has nightmares, after all), but he's thinking that it could be Nagisa misses home. at any rate, theorizing about it didn't do anything. ]
No. I was in the bath. [ for three hours. he doesn't take his eyes off of Nagisa, watching what he can make of his expression carefully against the soft, muted light coming in from the window. ]
Are you still scared? [ Haru's always more brazen with these questions, rather than approaching tenderly. he didn't see Nagisa as a fragile person, but rather a strong one. he always encouraged him to exist without shame as well, and he hopes that his friend could talk about it rather than feel embarrassed. ]
[ it's hard to talk about, but then... it isn't. he goes back and forth between "it's okay" and "it's definitely not okay" an awful lot, but ever since he hecked up on the network at least he knows what kinds of words to say.
that's not something he's had to think about before, though. "are you over it yet" is usually where he goes straight to during these kinds of things. experience it, feel it, deal with it, move on. after a pause he nods his head, chewing his lower lip and squeezing that squeaky penguin under his arm tight. ]
I just have to, you know, think about something else and go back to sleep. In a minute.
[ his posture slumps slightly as he relaxes, facing the window a bit more. drawing his hands up, Haru grips at the towel around his neck and brings it up over his head, slowly kneading it against his dampened hair. he gives Nagisa a sidelong glance after a few more moments of just ... watching him.
he's had nightmares before, but they weren't ever so intense. they usually involved being left alone, but then again ... maybe that's what Nagisa was afraid of as well. for a moment, he considers talking about his own, but decides against it. no one asked, and it involved a degree of vulnerability that he wasn't used to. ]
[ not that he doubts Haru has something up his sleeve, because he's infallible. but how many tricks are there, really. warm milk, a fluffy pillow, medicine, chocolate. all that stuff is just kind of a gimmick for the before and after. not unlike most nights, he wishes Seifer were still here. if he were, he wouldn't waste time being secretive. he'd go right up and ask him what to do. ]
[ he honestly was simply expecting a yes. the inquiry leaves him speechless for a moment, because he hadn't truly thought out just what he was going to do about this situation, but thinking quickly wasn't an issue. saying the right thing was. ]
[ squeaaak, the plush is squished under him completely as Nagisa rolls over onto his back and then wriggles to dislodge it from pressing into his tailbone. ]
Dad used to say that was a good cure for bad dreams. I don't really think it's the same with stuffed animals. [ obviously, since all the stuffed sea animals in holly heights haven't fixed it. ] I'd like it—if you did that.
[ he received one of his first hugs that wasn't from his family with Nagisa, and the proximity he was used to with him was ... different than the other boys of Iwatobi. it wasn't Makoto's warm, welcoming hand or fitting comfortably by his side, and it wasn't the force of Rin draping himself over Haru or teasing touches. the way Nagisa would wrap his arms around Haru and press in close wasn't something he feigned to fight or surrender to -- he allowed it and did what he thought Nagisa needed him to do in those situations: be a rock for him. it was perfunctory.
Haru nods, moving in closer and pushes a nudges a couple of plushies out of the way. he brings his knees up to his chest once he's settled in right beside him, wondering how to approach ... this. does he lay beside him? Nagisa often preferred to sleep by him, so it wouldn't be the first time. ]
We could talk about something to distract you. [ until you fall asleep. and by that, he means Nagisa can talk and Haru will mostly listen, but try to give feedback. try. ]
[ Nagisa reacts to this as if it's normal, so fully at ease when close to his friends that he would never even think to bat an eye about it. It's not about naivety, or being oblivious, it's just that proximity with his friends has always been a constant—and none moreso than Haru, thus far—and no amount of distance or time apart has or ever will change that. He turns somewhat in Haru's direction when he moves closer, resting against his legs, using the stuffed animal he'd dislodged from under him as a pillow. ]
A distracting topic... umm...
[ Mentally, he shuffles through various subjects. Most are questions, most seem to create a negative loop in which he winds up back at his core issue, the one that keeps him up at night. How do you like Holly Heights so far, What do you think of our mom, Isn't it great that we're all here together, What fun things should we do tomorrow? In all, it only provokes him into worrying that this is all incredibly transient. Why even talk about it at all.
Clearly, he needs a few more minutes of being awake before his brain starts functioning again. When it's still in sleep mode, he can't generate the positivity that typically serves as fuel for him in his waking hours. ]
Eh... well...
[ Think. ]
Did you know that... in ancient times, um, around the fifteenth century, there was a Korean war ship called a Geobukseon that looked like a turtle? There was a turtle head carved in the front, and the open mouth was actually a canon that could shoot flames. And then the inside was covered by a hard shell to protect the sailors. That's why they called them turtle ships.
[ if Nagisa takes his eyes off of Haru for a second, he'll always seem just a bit closer. like those cat videos where the camera pans away and focuses back and the cat is suddenly closer. that is happening right now.
with a light unfurrowing of his brow, his expression turns from confusion to attentiveness and interest as Nagisa speaks. he's always paid attention in history class, but he'd never heard trivia like that before. ]
Is that true? [ what era was this? he's so intrigued ... good job in distracting him probably more than you've distracted yourself, Nagisa... ]
Turtles never seem that aggressive. I wonder why that was chosen.
Maybe they were supposed to be snapping turtles. If you've ever been bitten by one, that's reason enough to make them a warship to me...
[ Nagisa hardly notices, but he reacts unconsciously like he does. He wriggles his way up along the bed like a worm with his arms and legs tucked up against him. Maybe more like a pillbug than a worm. A pillbug that's squished up against Haru's side as imposingly as possible. ]
Since there weren't any motors or anything back then, of course, they had slots that oars stuck out on the side, for rowing. It kinda looked like a bunch of legs. But unfortunately, even with the protective shell, they were susceptible to canon fire. So they weren't great weapons, especially not when you compare it to stuff like Spanish war galleons and demolition ships and stuff.
[ well, being a huge nerd is distracting enough, and it's... semi-water related? ]
[ once their sides make contact, Haru naturally stills to adjust. it's nothing new to him, but it's always disarming in a way. Nagisa wasn't anyone he felt afraid of being vulnerable with, and yet he felt as if he had to tread this interaction carefully. even when it was on him to do the comforting, he felt like it was difficult to meet his friend halfway. maybe it was because Nagisa never did anything halfway, really. ]
Snapping turtles ... [ that breathe fire. that's something he'll draw the next time he's bored of drawing his friends gayly posing together. ]
Stupid. If they were still vulnerable, then why did they have that design? [ he never understood flashiness. that was more of Rin's and Rei's forte -- that dramatic flair at least had something behind it in each case. ]
For show. Well, and the idea was to prevent the enemy from boarding, but it wasn't an issue when they could just blast the top off...
[ A halfhearted sigh. He'd like to hop an ancient turtle warship right about now. Well, maybe not right now. After all, when's the last time he got to be up in Haru's business, other than this morning? It seems like a hundred years since they were both back home at the same time, and it feels like forever since he cared about that kind of thing, anyway.
even the nerd rage isn't enough to sustain him for very long this time, and he butts his head into the side of Haru's arm. ]
Do you think if you shake me hard enough all the stuff that's bugging me will fall out of my brain?
[ he was finally at a point where he could admit that he liked those weird head-nudges, and in response he curls his forearm up against his own chest, unsure of what to do with it for now. he stares ahead at the adjacent wall, quiet and mulling over what he could say. truth be told, he was worried. it's not like he could just suggest swimming. it obviously wasn't taking that away. ]
No. [ he shakes his head, but it's more of a refusal to ... shake Nagisa. finally, he decides to lift his arm a bit, resting his hand atop of Nagisa's head. the way his touch smooths over is less of a pet and more of a search -- as if there was really something tangible plaguing him within that could be extracted. ]
[ like an insistent animal, he pushes his head up against Haru's hand, but for a moment he just stays still that way for a moment. he could say more than that, but he doesn't, thinking and rethinking and then letting his head slump down again, working his way under the crook of Haru's arm. ]
[ Haru was both not the type to press for someone to go further than what they were comfortable with, but also not the type to give inspiring speeches. he was, however, very straight forward about these things when he felt something was necessary to say. ]
I was too. [ for a long time, and he still is. but those are things that no one is asking him to divulge, and he's not quite sure what Nagisa is afraid of. was it loss? either way, he can only relate as vaguely as possible. ]
... You aren't alone right now. [ because what helped him was knowing he wasn't alone and also feeling it. it's what he still turns to when he worries about the transient nature of their lives, when he worries about what will happen after graduation. ]
[ but later, who can say. he knows it's stupid to worry about the what ifs, and things you can't change, and always has known that. deep down, honestly, he's already accepted that it is what it is, and things are going to happen and all there is to do is deal with them, but it's something more than that.
it's what he was seeking reassurance for when he challenged Rin to a race he couldn't win, and when he encourages people with problems much heavier than he is to lean on him. in feeling like he has no control, he doesn't feel like he can help, and it's a problem. ]
It just makes me feel better knowing that you're not alone, Haru-chan. You, and mom, and the rest of the team... that's what's most important.
[ he feels so bad at this. he can only try and recall the first time they met, and how easy it was to get Nagisa to truly smile. soon after, he couldn't help but feel his cheeks burn whenever Nagisa would follow him around everywhere he went or openly declare his admiration and desire for emulation. the memory draws him closer as he recalls the embrace, body moving only an inchor so in, but enough to basically nestle. ]
Something like that is meaningless unless you feel good, too.
[ Haru looks over to him ........................... luckily they're not on eye level. ]
You don't have to say it if you want to keep it inside. [ his hand drops from Nagisa's head and rests lazily behind his back, burrowed beneath the pillow now. it's nice and cold beneath there. ] Only when I'm with you, I don't think ever think about bad things. They don't ever come to mind.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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and then shoots up in bed with a sharp gasp, sweaty and wild-eyed. his hands go up to his mouth but he's not even screaming, which is good, better safe than sorry, and he turns to look at Haru's empty bed, slumping with relief. only he'd be less relieved if he'd think to look down at the floor, where Haru actually is. ]
i hat eyou
he ... should do something. he should do something, right? this isn't the type of thing you just sit and watch, even if Nagisa seems to have woken up already ...
obviously the best thing to do is to reach out and touch what seems to be his leg. ]
LAUGSH hysterically
he lets out a blood curdling scream and scrambles across the bed, sending stuffed animals flying everywhere. ]
No!! Go away!
[ he's always thought of himself as pretty brave, but not quite so much when he's literally huddling in a corner and crying because there's a monster under his bed. it's a fall from grace. ]
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he totally winced at that scream. that was ... deafening. ]
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Haru-chan! [ quickly scrubbing at his eyes, what a disaster. ] If you heard anything weird, it was nothing! I just got surprised by a bug crawling on me!
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You were having a bad dream. [ there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. it's not like he's going to ask Nagisa for the details, unless he wants to tell him. he positions himself to sit at the edge of the bed, hand drawn out to grab at one of the stuffed animals in an idle, mindless move. ]
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[ he has an excuse all fired up and ready to go, locked and loaded, but it dies on his tongue in the most obvious kind of way. he's been caught at it before, and what's more, it's not really something he can lie about like he does other things. it's not like "i slept enough" or "i didn't eat the second hot dog" or "i'm not worn out" or those other little white lies he tells all the time. especially not to Haru, who he knows can sense when something's wrong with the team more than anybody. maybe even more than he can, himself, in a way.
resigned, he slumps onto the bed, eliciting a faint squeak from one of his many penguins. ]
Sorry, it... [ what was it he said last time. ] ...happens. Did I keep you up?
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at any rate, theorizing about it didn't do anything. ]
No. I was in the bath. [ for three hours. he doesn't take his eyes off of Nagisa, watching what he can make of his expression carefully against the soft, muted light coming in from the window. ]
Are you still scared? [ Haru's always more brazen with these questions, rather than approaching tenderly. he didn't see Nagisa as a fragile person, but rather a strong one. he always encouraged him to exist without shame as well, and he hopes that his friend could talk about it rather than feel embarrassed. ]
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that's not something he's had to think about before, though. "are you over it yet" is usually where he goes straight to during these kinds of things. experience it, feel it, deal with it, move on. after a pause he nods his head, chewing his lower lip and squeezing that squeaky penguin under his arm tight. ]
I just have to, you know, think about something else and go back to sleep. In a minute.
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he's had nightmares before, but they weren't ever so intense. they usually involved being left alone, but then again ... maybe that's what Nagisa was afraid of as well. for a moment, he considers talking about his own, but decides against it. no one asked, and it involved a degree of vulnerability that he wasn't used to. ]
Do you want me to help?
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[ not that he doubts Haru has something up his sleeve, because he's infallible. but how many tricks are there, really. warm milk, a fluffy pillow, medicine, chocolate. all that stuff is just kind of a gimmick for the before and after. not unlike most nights, he wishes Seifer were still here. if he were, he wouldn't waste time being secretive. he'd go right up and ask him what to do. ]
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I could stay close.
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Dad used to say that was a good cure for bad dreams. I don't really think it's the same with stuffed animals. [ obviously, since all the stuffed sea animals in holly heights haven't fixed it. ] I'd like it—if you did that.
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Haru nods, moving in closer and pushes a nudges a couple of plushies out of the way. he brings his knees up to his chest once he's settled in right beside him, wondering how to approach ... this. does he lay beside him? Nagisa often preferred to sleep by him, so it wouldn't be the first time. ]
We could talk about something to distract you. [ until you fall asleep. and by that, he means Nagisa can talk and Haru will mostly listen, but try to give feedback. try. ]
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A distracting topic... umm...
[ Mentally, he shuffles through various subjects. Most are questions, most seem to create a negative loop in which he winds up back at his core issue, the one that keeps him up at night. How do you like Holly Heights so far, What do you think of our mom, Isn't it great that we're all here together, What fun things should we do tomorrow? In all, it only provokes him into worrying that this is all incredibly transient. Why even talk about it at all.
Clearly, he needs a few more minutes of being awake before his brain starts functioning again. When it's still in sleep mode, he can't generate the positivity that typically serves as fuel for him in his waking hours. ]
Eh... well...
[ Think. ]
Did you know that... in ancient times, um, around the fifteenth century, there was a Korean war ship called a Geobukseon that looked like a turtle? There was a turtle head carved in the front, and the open mouth was actually a canon that could shoot flames. And then the inside was covered by a hard shell to protect the sailors. That's why they called them turtle ships.
[ nailed it. ]
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with a light unfurrowing of his brow, his expression turns from confusion to attentiveness and interest as Nagisa speaks. he's always paid attention in history class, but he'd never heard trivia like that before. ]
Is that true? [ what era was this? he's so intrigued ... good job in distracting him probably more than you've distracted yourself, Nagisa... ]
Turtles never seem that aggressive. I wonder why that was chosen.
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[ Nagisa hardly notices, but he reacts unconsciously like he does. He wriggles his way up along the bed like a worm with his arms and legs tucked up against him. Maybe more like a pillbug than a worm. A pillbug that's squished up against Haru's side as imposingly as possible. ]
Since there weren't any motors or anything back then, of course, they had slots that oars stuck out on the side, for rowing. It kinda looked like a bunch of legs. But unfortunately, even with the protective shell, they were susceptible to canon fire. So they weren't great weapons, especially not when you compare it to stuff like Spanish war galleons and demolition ships and stuff.
[ well, being a huge nerd is distracting enough, and it's... semi-water related? ]
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Snapping turtles ... [ that breathe fire. that's something he'll draw the next time he's bored of drawing his friends gayly posing together. ]
Stupid. If they were still vulnerable, then why did they have that design? [ he never understood flashiness. that was more of Rin's and Rei's forte -- that dramatic flair at least had something behind it in each case. ]
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[ A halfhearted sigh. He'd like to hop an ancient turtle warship right about now. Well, maybe not right now. After all, when's the last time he got to be up in Haru's business, other than this morning? It seems like a hundred years since they were both back home at the same time, and it feels like forever since he cared about that kind of thing, anyway.
even the nerd rage isn't enough to sustain him for very long this time, and he butts his head into the side of Haru's arm. ]
Do you think if you shake me hard enough all the stuff that's bugging me will fall out of my brain?
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No. [ he shakes his head, but it's more of a refusal to ... shake Nagisa. finally, he decides to lift his arm a bit, resting his hand atop of Nagisa's head. the way his touch smooths over is less of a pet and more of a search -- as if there was really something tangible plaguing him within that could be extracted. ]
You're afraid, right?
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[ like an insistent animal, he pushes his head up against Haru's hand, but for a moment he just stays still that way for a moment. he could say more than that, but he doesn't, thinking and rethinking and then letting his head slump down again, working his way under the crook of Haru's arm. ]
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I was too. [ for a long time, and he still is. but those are things that no one is asking him to divulge, and he's not quite sure what Nagisa is afraid of. was it loss? either way, he can only relate as vaguely as possible. ]
... You aren't alone right now. [ because what helped him was knowing he wasn't alone and also feeling it. it's what he still turns to when he worries about the transient nature of their lives, when he worries about what will happen after graduation. ]
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[ but later, who can say. he knows it's stupid to worry about the what ifs, and things you can't change, and always has known that. deep down, honestly, he's already accepted that it is what it is, and things are going to happen and all there is to do is deal with them, but it's something more than that.
it's what he was seeking reassurance for when he challenged Rin to a race he couldn't win, and when he encourages people with problems much heavier than he is to lean on him. in feeling like he has no control, he doesn't feel like he can help, and it's a problem. ]
It just makes me feel better knowing that you're not alone, Haru-chan. You, and mom, and the rest of the team... that's what's most important.
shakes nagisa to death
Something like that is meaningless unless you feel good, too.
[ Haru looks over to him ........................... luckily they're not on eye level. ]
You don't have to say it if you want to keep it inside. [ his hand drops from Nagisa's head and rests lazily behind his back, burrowed beneath the pillow now. it's nice and cold beneath there. ] Only when I'm with you, I don't think ever think about bad things. They don't ever come to mind.
[ sort of like water. ]
brains fall out: its all water
haru drinks brains
#zombiefree
why does it always come back to this...
im sorry i cant help myself... also 1/23
NO NO NO JUST 1/2 I MEAN FUCJ
THIS IS ... THE FUCKING THANKS I GET...??? 1/3
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^_^
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